Disagreement of husbands about the way of raising children.. Is there a way for them to come to an agreement? | Mirror

Beirut- Raising children is one of the most difficult tasks that every couple goes through. While the father assumes the role of monitoring, controlling, providing an atmosphere of security and setting laws without pressure, the role of the mother is to give and raise, both of them strive to nurture and develop values, but sometimes there is a difference between the two sides in the right form. which creates a tense atmosphere in the home that reflects negatively on the children.

Lina Ghoneim, an expert on family relations, believes that “in many cases in our Eastern society, the authoritarian nature prevails over the personality of the fathers, for reasons related to the misunderstanding of the meaning of masculinity. Many mothers may complain about the injustice of their husbands to them and their children and their lack of response to dialogue and understanding.”

He says that a woman should use an influential method characterized by respect for her life partner, regardless of his understanding and understanding, and choose a time when the husband is calm and ready to accept discussion and dialogue, with the aim of reaching a common point in family disputes.

He adds that the two parties must talk about it very openly, with the fact that they must agree that a third party should not interfere in the issue of education, whether it is grandparents or friends, and be aware that children are greatly affected by the means of education. Internet in terms of behavior and thinking.

A child is a shared responsibility

Lina points out that the child is the joint responsibility of the spouses, so when the boy misbehaves, one party should not blame the other because both are responsible. Likewise, they must agree on the idea of ​​punishment and what it is, so that the child can more easily distinguish between good and evil.

She says: “It is known that mothers are very patient in raising children, in contrast to fathers who often start screaming, and sometimes punish and intimidate”, believing that “raising children requires patience and consideration, not haste with punishments, but rather it’s important to take steps to warn and listen first.” And talk to the child to find out why they did it and what they meant by what they did, with the goal of finding out how children think.”

Ghoneim concludes that education is not limited to mothers, who alone will not be able to give the child all the necessary education, “because the father’s personality is necessary and useful in the child’s life, and firm and rough treatment with him benefits him psychologically.”

From here, it is necessary for the spouses to agree on the way to raise the child and the way to solve his mistakes, like when a child hears his mother telling his father: Don’t hit him and don’t shout at him. him, then he will feel that he is under the protection of his mother, and he will not respect his father and will support him, because his mother is always on his side. Likewise, when a child sees that parents are in constant arguments and do not respect each other, he too will continue to disrespect his parents, and this idea will be imprinted in his mind and he will grow up on it, in Ghoneim.

Role integration

As for psychologist Tania Zaytoun, she emphasizes the need to integrate the roles of parents in raising children, considering that the mother bears the greatest burden in this matter due to the father’s preoccupation, so she should not always stand by the child, and not try to remove the father’s punishment from him.

She says: “There are those who unintentionally spoil the upbringing of their children. When a father tries to give his children the qualities of self-reliance and responsibility through disciplining, even if it seems harsh, we find the mother standing in the father’s face and opposing him because of his strictness, which leads to loss of his effort.” Therefore, this has a negative impact on children’s behavior and follows them in their future lives, even after they become fathers and mothers.

It is important for parents to convince their children that the love between them is strong, that there is respect between them, that they do not differ on the basic goals of life, but that these are only secondary things that are quickly forgotten and that they agree on raising children and helping them in building the future, says Tania Zaytoun.

Tania advises taking some steps to make the task of upbringing easier for both parties, such as: agreeing on a method of punishment when one of the children makes a mistake, ensuring a calm and suitable atmosphere within the home, creating a sense of security in the child and building his confidence and encouraging him to express his opinion without fear or intimidation, teaching him the principle of respect for others and helping him develop his healthy mental and intellectual skills in all fields.

Differences in parenting styles

Writer Julian Gary published an article on the differences between parents in parenting styles, in which she said, “Children need to see their parents in agreement, because the differences lead to psychological problems in the child to the point of confusion and anxiety.”

Gary does not think that the difference between the parents in parenting is a bad thing, because then the child can adapt to the presence of different styles and will not feel difficulties in communicating on both sides.

In this context, the site “Sleeping Shouldbeeasy” published an article on marital disputes over child rearing, in which it advises parents to take the following steps:

• Confirmation of point of view: Suppose you disagree on the principle of spanking because one of you believes that it is the best and most effective method of discipline. Here, the partner must understand the other’s point of view and act patiently and openly in order to reach a common solution.
• Listen to the suggestions: And see if it’s a topic for discussion or not. There are valid points that can be identified and built upon, rather than being dismissed out of hand, with the goal of achieving effective solutions that both spouses agree on.
• Explain your point of view and its importance to you: The strong insistence of each side on its point of view will not lead to useful solutions. It is therefore important to clarify viewpoints with openness, understanding and awareness. For example, if the husband supports hitting and considers it an effective form of discipline, the wife can without hesitation and convincingly explain her point of view that the child can be disciplined without hitting him.
• Remember that your goals are the same: Even if you don’t agree on parenting styles, you should always remember that both of you want the best for your child from the bottom of your heart.
• The presence of new family-friendly solutions: And without neglecting support, because you have to rely on each other, because you are not in a fight between “who will win and who will lose”.
• Spend quality time together as a couple: Away from the daily fights, parents should look for ways to reconnect, not only as parents but also as a couple.
• Put your children’s interests first. Just as your child should not feel that he is the cause of your quarrel, which negatively affects his emotional and social behavior.