In your argument with your husband, is “money” at the top of your differences? | Mirror
Amman- There is no doubt that money is important in a person’s life, because it helps him achieve many demands, but the most important thing is to understand that it is a means, not an end. It is a means that helps a person in life and the demands of life, and is not an end in itself.
Also, money is not always a source of happiness, sometimes it contributes to its achievement, and sometimes it is the cause of family and social problems. Is money the number one issue that tops your differences with your husband? Al-Jazeera Net interviewed experts on this to get their opinions and experiences.
Money and marital disputes
For his part, family counselor Mufeed Sarhan says: “In many cases, money is the cause of marital discord, especially when spouses or one of them consider money the most important element in their lives, and that its value to others is in terms of money spent, or when financial the family’s capabilities are not enough.” In order to meet the basic needs of the family, either the husband is unemployed, or takes away a large part of the family’s income to pay off debts, so that the remaining income is not sufficient to cover occasional family expenses.
The consultant explains: It must be understood that the work to avoid financial disputes between spouses starts from the pre-engagement stage, where it is necessary for both the young man and the young woman to openly disclose to each other their financial capabilities and income, and the willingness of the young woman to contribute to spending in the case of her work, and their view on the necessary needs of life. And his willingness to cooperate with the other in order to make married life successful.
He added: “The husband’s debts often cause problems in the first months of marriage, especially if the wife does not know the consequences of these debts on the standard of living compared to her mental picture.”
It is important for spouses to get used to setting a monthly spending budget that takes into account priorities and starts from essential needs, then less essential ones, then luxuries, so that the budget is commensurate with the family’s income, and is agreed upon by the spouses. Non-fixed expenses, according to Sarhan.
The consultant also talks about taking care not to go into debt or resort to installments except in cases of necessity, taking into account the family’s ability to repay the debts and their impact on them.
Dialogue is the best way to understand
Consultant Sarhan confirms that counseling between spouses is necessary in all matters, including materialism and agreement on spending – which makes spouses clearer and more aware of reality and the ability to be patient, tolerant and cooperate with others, which are necessary qualities. for the success of family life and the reduction of problems.
And in case of any problem, dialogue is the best way to understand and solve the problem, Sarhan believes, since both spouses are responsible for family affairs, whether the wife works or not, and worsening the problem is not in the interest of either of them. And the belief that money alone does not bring happiness.
And he continues: In the case of the wife’s work, respecting her financial disclosure is the duty of the husband and the right of the wife, and that her participation in spending should be with her desire and approval while preserving her financial rights, and she should not entrust it to her husband.
A woman who feels responsible does not burden her husband beyond his capabilities, because this affects his mental and physical health and behavior at home and at work, and that one of the two should not distinguish between what he spends on himself and what he spends on. others, because fairness in spending on personal things makes everyone feel comfortable, calm and responsible, according to consultant Sarhan.
Lack of money increases the problems
For his part, marriage and psychological relationship counsellor, Dr. Ahmed Sirwi, comments, saying, “Money is a means, not an end, yes, that is true, but if money is not available, it means that the means are reduced in achieving the goal , and this means that collecting money for the sake of money is not the goal, because collecting money does not bring benefits.” It’s up to the owner if he doesn’t spend his money the way he wants.
And he adds: Accordingly, married life is based on a series of concepts and principles that would shape the notion of family, including the understanding of managing finances in the family and the influence of money on the course of married life in its natural form.
And it shows that “a lack of money often leads to the appearance of marital and family problems, due to the inability to meet life’s needs, and the frequency and severity of the problem increases as debts and their burden on this family increase. , so that discussion and argument in the family are turned into guidelines for how these debts can be ended.” And how can obligations be secured, even if at the expense of many concessions, such as family time and more?
Problems worsen and develop so that their impact goes beyond a mere lack of resources to the appearance of fundamental problems within the family entity, which can lead to its disintegration or divorce, according to Sriwi.
Real financial dialogue
In order to properly solve this problem, Sriwi explains: “The family must be trained in the basics of a correct financial dialogue”, explaining: “In the beginning, we must thank and apologize at the same time to those who provide the family with income, whether it is the father or the father and mother.”
Sriwi concludes: Some children may be sharing the income, so we thank him for his efforts and excuse him for his financial failure to perform some of the obligatory chores.
Money, marriage and communication
If you and your husband have been fighting about money, you’re not alone. This is the number one issue that couples struggle with. Financial battles are considered the second leading reason for divorce after marital infidelity, according to what Ramsey Solutions announced that a study included more than a thousand adults in the United States to understand behavior and attitudes about personal finances, as well as how spouses communicate and communicate about money.
So why do couples fight so much about money? A cursory glance at their bank accounts might provide the answer. Couples who fight about money have a lot of consumer debt, and the burden of debt negatively affects the marriage, regardless of the family’s income.
And 41% of couples with consumer debt say they argue about money, which is what they argue about the most. In contrast, only 25% of debt-free couples fight about money. Additionally, money is not among the top five things that couples in debt fight about.
Debt creeps into a marriage over time, with younger generations carrying far more debt than the generations before them. 43% of couples who have been engaged for more than 25 years started life with debt, while 86% of couples who have been engaged for 5 years or less have twice as much debt as their older counterparts.
Today’s marriages start with debt, not only that, but more younger generations are racking up debt to pay for their weddings than older generations. And 41% of those who got married five years ago or less said they were pressured to spend more than they could afford on their wedding. And 54% of couples who have been engaged for five years or less say some of the wedding expenses were covered by a credit card, and 73% say they regret that decision.
“Couples just starting out need a better foundation for a strong, long-lasting marriage,” says Rachel Cruz, financial expert and writer for the New York Times. “Unfortunately, debt keeps couples stuck in the past and prevents them from focusing on their future.”
More debt.. more arguments
According to the study, the more debt a couple has, the more likely they are to say that money is one of the most important issues they fight about. About 48% of couples with consumer debt of $50,000 or more say money is the main cause of arguments, and they also report that their money conversations are three times more “negative” than couples with less than $10,000 in debt.
The same study found that debt isn’t the only financial pain point for couples, as a third of those who said they’d argued with their spouse about money kept their purchases a secret because they knew their partner wouldn’t agree.
“Financial infidelity is more common than people think,” says Cruz. “When one partner hides their purchases from their partner, it leads to a drop in trust in their relationship. Couples need to understand their financial differences, for example, who is a spender and who is a saver, so they have the same knowledge about their finances.”
Joint planning makes a difference
The study finds that topics like money goals and dreams are important for couples to talk about. With 87% of respondents saying their marriage is “great” because both they and their spouse have set long-term goals for their money, compared to 41% who said their marriage is “good” or “in crisis.”
Also, 94% of those who say their marriage is “great” talk about their financial dreams together, compared to just 45% of those who say their marriage is “okay” or “in trouble.”