Reply to the message: My mother and wife confused me

Presented by Dr. Amani Musa

I also tell the author of the message

There is no doubt that the life dream of every woman is a successful and stable marriage in all psychological, material and social aspects, and that she invests all her efforts to help the success and continuity of that marriage despite the presence of numerous consequences and difficulties that affect that success and sometimes endanger it. stability.
One of the most important of these difficulties is the mother-in-law or husband’s mother, and naturally the mother feels that this woman has come to share her son’s love and money with her. This is what fuels the fire of jealousy, especially if a man does not stop his behavior after marriage. He should not show excessive interest in his wife in front of his mother, and it is not polite to give his wife gifts and honor her mother; Because the first person in a man is his mother, and the first person in a woman is her husband.
We discover that there are many types of mother-in-law that create problems between spouses, especially the authoritarian mother-in-law who imposes her control over her son and daughter-in-law, which turns their family life into hell. in the full sense of the word because he interferes in his son’s life in an excessive way and this causes great inconvenience to his wife because she erases her opinion and her personality is only for listening to her orders.
There is no doubt that the problems of a mother with a daughter-in-law are among the most difficult equations and the most difficult crises in married life, and it is also one of the most common problems that a husband faces. The marital home and the sacred relationship between spouses.
Dear husband:
The right and honor of a mother must be fulfilled just as the right of a woman must be fulfilled and respected. One of the two rights should not prevail over the other, and neither party should be unjust to please the other, so that each right is fulfilled.
Islam gave everyone his right without exaggeration and carelessness.

This great law commands you to be good to your mother, and forbids you to wrong your wife.

And I hope your good wife will realize that her status with you increases with her patience with this mother, who is like her mother and has merit over her.

And you should also be more interested in having children after marriage; So that you do not feel that she has become in another degree, and it is right for a woman to be patient with harm while she is rewarded by God, and you must find favor and reward for her patience, while he thanked her for her silence; This is a proof of her good manners, and you should treat this mother kindly, and not criticize her behavior, especially in the presence of your wife, and always let your wife feel that you value her and feel her pain, and appreciate her love and feelings as wife and mother of his children. This problem will not last long if you change the way you treat your mother and increase the doses of attention to her. It is also necessary to avoid the reasons that lead to this mother’s anger. Convey to the mother your wife’s good feelings for her and her love for her, so that change her mental image, and remind the mother and wife of God Almighty, and the punishment of injustice and the unjust without pointing a finger at any side, and reduce the chances of meeting and friction and distribution maternal service to your wife and the wives of your sisters so that she does not feel injustice and fatigue and was able to take care of herself, her comfort, her children and take care of you
And try to resolve the quarrels between them, and that more than is necessary at home, so that you can discover things yourself and eliminate mistakes in time. Because the accumulation of problems leads to an explosion, and before all that you should turn to God, because He is the one who answers the needy if he calls him and discovers evil, and be ready to listen to God, like houses you are not repaired by obedience to God and haste in His pleasures, and know that sin has its bad effects on our lives and our homes, so you must seek forgiveness and repentance
Occupy your household with what is useful, because those souls, if you do not occupy them with the truth, occupy us with lies, and if there are those who incite evil mothers, then you should gently isolate them from them, not making them feel that you are interfering in their private affairs .

And know that sometimes a kind of jealousy arises between the wife and the husband’s mother, so the husband’s mother thinks that the wife has taken her son, and the wife thinks that the husband is fond of his family and that he favors them over her.
The husband has a major role in dealing with such matters, so you should always balance the relationship between your wife and your mother. A mother’s right over her son is to be kind, to support family ties, to be treated kindly and to spend on her if you have money and the parents are in need.

It is the right of your wife to live with her kindly and to ensure her a peaceful life away from harassment. She also has the right to keep her privacy, secrets and all her affairs, and not allow anyone to interfere in her affairs in a way that leads to discord and leads into corruption. A woman, considering that she is the wife of her son, does not obligate her to serve her or others from her husband’s family, because a woman is only obliged to serve her husband.
Likewise, a woman has rights and duties that God commanded her to fulfill and to live with kindly, although the mother has more care and respect.
And know that setting ground rules and boundaries and enforcing them firmly and often will prevent loud arguments. Set boundaries around acceptable and unacceptable behavior for both your partner and your mother. At the very least, your wife and mother must behave with kindness and respect. Boundaries can include limiting provocative discussions so that each of their interactions does not become just another opportunity to express anger, hostility, and argument.

And you must obey and respect your mother and fulfill the rights of your wife, and that respecting your mother does not mean that you neglect the rights of your wife, and that you do not treat your wife harshly and do not neglect her rights
And if your mother wants it, obedience is only in favor.
“O you who believe, it is not permissible for you to inherit women against their will, and do not prevent them from taking some of what you have given them, unless they commit obvious indecency, and live with them nicely. “

Regarding whether the wife has the right to live separately from your mother or not:

Lawyers decide that a woman has the right over her husband to an independent apartment, in which she avoids the inconvenience of others knowing about it.

Al-Qadi Alish said in Minah al-Jalil, Sharh Mukhtasar Khalil in Maliki jurisprudence: She, i.e. the wife, has the right to refrain from living with his relatives, i.e. the husband, because she has been harmed by informing them of her condition , and what she wants to hide from them, even if it is not proven that she will harm them. It’s over.

The husband must provide this to the wife, even if it is with compensation and the like. Al-Sherbiny Al-Shafi’i said in Mughna Al-Muhtaaj: It is not a requirement that the apartment be his property. Instead, it is allowed to place it in an endowed, rented and borrowed building…. The end.

It is possible to separate a part of the house from its contents, if the house has the possibility to do so.

It came in Majma’ al-Anhara in the explanation of Multaq al-Abhar in Hanafi legal practice: And in al-Mukhtar’s explanation: If there were houses in the house and she refused to live with her husband and one of his family, if he left her house and specially made facilities and locks for it, she has no right to ask for another house. It’s over.

The bottom line is that this is one of the rights of a woman over her husband, so he must fulfill this and her other rights, just as she must fulfill his rights towards him. The Exalted said: And they will have what is due to them in a just manner {Al-Baqara: 228}.

Regarding the presence of your brothers in the same house as your parents:
These have become men, and they are strangers to your wife, so they are not allowed to enter her or be alone with her. Some Ansari said: Messenger of God, do you see your father-in-law? He said: Father-in-law is death.
O God, a thousand among your hearts, and fix the same among you.

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