How to distinguish a selfish from a narcissistic partner? Is separation the solution? | Lifestyle

The adjective “narcissistic” has become a ready-made accusation that some people reach for to end a relationship, because it is enough for a young man to be controlled or prone to selfishness, moving away and getting closer according to his desires and whims, until his fiancee leaves him or until his wife asks him to divorce.

So there’s no need to wait for a diagnosis because he’s a “narcissist,” as the narcissistic personality disorder videos on social media say. Therefore, the relationship should be ended, according to the advice of some psychiatrists: “escape”, because he is a person who cannot change, and his “narcissism” is a disorder that has no hope of recovery.

It’s not just psychiatrists and their advice, victims and survivors of narcissism have become relationship counselors and explain how to build a life without a narcissist. The mania of accusations of narcissism reached the point where one of them asked a question like: “My husband likes to watch TV alone.. Is he a narcissist?”

First, we must admit that after some time after the wedding, the true personality of the partner, be it husband or wife, is revealed, because both parties showed only their good sides, before they started living together. It’s okay to have habits and attitudes that weren’t obvious before, but are still acceptable. The problem lies in the emergence of other unacceptable traits, such as intense jealousy, lying and pretense. This is where the blurring begins: “Is my husband a narcissist or just selfish?”

An egoist is always jealous of his love for you and always wants you for himself (Shutterstock)

How to distinguish a selfish husband from a narcissist?

Narcissism isn’t based on conclusions, because there are signs that distinguish it from selfishness, says emotional relationship counselor Rachel Pace, who explains to Marriage the characteristics that clearly distinguish the two:

  • A narcissist’s mood depends on other people, approval and support from others always make a narcissist the best, but a selfish spouse is the complete opposite, he does not depend on anyone to find happiness.
  • A narcissist will never feel empathy for others, whether cruel or not, but a selfish spouse can still feel guilt and empathy.
  • A narcissist’s sense of superiority is always fueled by praise and his sense of excessive appreciation of others, while a selfish husband always thinks what he can do only for himself, not caring about the praise of others.
  • A narcissist always feels superior, qualified and great and will not deal with those who are lesser than him, while an egoist can love and feel the feelings of others and does not care that they are lesser than him.
  • A narcissist will feel no remorse, not even towards his children or wife, but will do whatever it takes to control and manipulate the people around him, while the egoist sometimes gets caught up in those around him and their true desires.
  • An egoist is always jealous of his love for you, he will always want you for himself and he will always work for it, but a narcissist will want you only for himself without doing anything.
  • Being with a narcissist and controlling you is not love, but he wants you as a puppet, no one takes that from him or becomes his superior.
  • Selfish people can do things for themselves that help them shine and look good, but don’t destroy those around them. A narcissist deliberately belittles you and strips you of your self-worth in order to feel more powerful.
A narcissist always feels superior, entitled and big and will not deal with those who are lesser than him (Shutterstock)

Narcissism is a disorder that begins in childhood

In an article for Psychology Today about those who believe they are married to narcissists, New York-based clinical psychologist Lindsey Wiesner attributes the inflated opinion about the prevalence of narcissists to the difference in breadth between male and female narcissists, that “men who prey on women who are online for fun are more likely will score higher on measures of narcissism and openly admit to using social media to make others feel bad.”

On the other hand, we find that women use social media platforms in a more positive way to communicate emotionally with others, and this makes them feel better about themselves and their self-esteem.

Psychological studies show that some children with crises of intolerance and dysfunction may be more pronounced than adults with narcissistic personality disorder. The Austrian psychologist Sigmund Freud always attributed the blame for the child’s sins to the mother’s actions, so he considered the mother’s neglect as a motive for raising a child with narcissism, and also if the mother exaggerated her son’s abilities and treated him as gifted. special abilities, it also helps to feed the “fragile ego”, and he knows Also on behalf of an unstable self-image and sense of self-worth, which often occurs in men during childhood, and later leads to narcissistic personality disorder, according to Weisner.

Wisner added in her article that your pain from another does not make them a narcissist and that you need to stop this undiagnosed stigma. By alleviating the pain, why not try to get rid of the suffering instead of theorizing about it and letting the pain of the past enter the present?”

And she concluded by saying, “Perhaps we should use our suffering better to clarify what the relationship should be, rather than stop explaining the qualities and traits of narcissists that bother us.”

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