Marital violence… a hidden monster that destroys the relationship between husband and wife and destroys the family | Mirror
Family Counselor Evan El-Hayek: Marital abuse is when a husband or wife intentionally inflicts psychological, emotional or physical harm on the other party, without any reason. If there is a reason, it becomes marital violence, not violence.
Beirut- What if you are being bullied? What would you do if the abuser was the person closest to you in a marriage with an abuser? Certainly, the situation will be very sensitive, because bullying can affect married life, in the negligence of the spouse, and some do not understand that it is “bullying”, and consider it as mere disagreements that occur between all spouses, and represent an obstacle for the future of the family and the reason for the failure of the marriage relationship, and the absence of compassion and love, which leads to what is known as “marital silence” and “family depression”.
Due to the importance and sensitivity of this matter, Al Jazeera Net talks about how to deal with an abusive husband and tries to answer the key questions in this regard: Is it possible to change the character of an abusive husband? How can certain solutions be reached to re-establish a happy married life?
I entered a dead end with him.
Sarah (pseudonym) sadly and painfully says that two years ago her husband started showing signs of abuse, the most important of which are frequent blaming, loud voice and constant anger with constant criticism of food and clothes, inventing everyday problems and deliberate ignoring.
He does not talk to her in front of the children except in a hostile tone and shouts at her without reason or any justification, and his mood is constantly changing and he does not like anything, and in various ways he tries to fake accusations to start a fight with her.
Sarah continues how she tried to find out the cause of all these problems and resolve the disagreements peacefully, but her husband sarcastically refused and tried to insult her several times, so she came to a dead end with him, to the point where she thought about divorce. because life with him became unbearable.
Even her children have reached a state of constant anxiety and tension, and they do not want him in the house, so Sarah tried to talk to his family, but did not come to a solution, so she suspected that he was bullying her to hide the truth. Perhaps betrayal or feelings of inferiority.
Sarah ends her speech for Al-Jazeera Net by saying that she has not found a solution to her family problem, and lives in this vortex and this feeling of insecurity, instability, mistrust and loss of love, respect and affection.
Abuse leads to physical abuse
Sahar Zaghloul, for her part, told Al-Jazeera Net that she got divorced because of her husband’s mistreatment. For her, her whole married life is important and vital, but the most painful situation was the loss of her fetus due to her husband beating her.
At the beginning of his married life, he used beatings for humor, but with the continuation of his married life, he turned to anger and violence in order to express himself by projecting his feelings onto her without taking into account her feelings, he says.
On one occasion, he had a problem at work, so he solved it with verbal violence, and when I asked him to calm down for understanding, he became physically unbearable and that was the end of it.
Sahar points out that bullying leads to physical abuse and the complete destruction of relationships.
How can you deal with a husband who abuses you?
Family and education counselor Evan El-Hayek explains that spousal abuse is the intent of a husband or wife to cause psychological, emotional or physical harm to the other party, without reason. If there is a reason, then the matter becomes marital violence, not bullying. Also, practicing this behavior in front of small children leads them to think that this is the best way to impose their personality on the other party.
Abuse between spouses is one of the most important reasons for divorce, as it involves insults, mistrust and violent reactions. The reason for marital violence can be the fear of betrayal or discovering the betrayal of the other party.
The love of control is also behind many problems that can affect spouses, including abuse, based on the desire to remain the center of attention. A lack of personality can lead to low self-confidence, and thus to a tendency to control others in order to compensate for this lack.
Hayek confirms that it is useful for the husband to be occupied with any hobby he likes, such as walking or playing football, and to involve him in some household chores, such as buying necessities and informing him of his importance, and trying to absorb the trouble he is going through.
Adopting a culture of compassion, affection and respect
Al-Hayek emphasizes the importance of a woman standing up to her husband from the first situation of abuse. Because it helps him to change his wrong thoughts and behavior, and it will also help the woman to find a way to overcome this crisis, and with minimal damage.
According to Hayek, it is necessary to adopt a culture of mercy, love, respect, appreciation and understanding between spouses in different ways and means, and then this is the right solution.
Correct handling of an abusive husband
According to Al-Hayek, some key points must be adopted in order to properly deal with an abusive husband, the most important of which are:
- Stop making excuses for him. Every time you tell yourself “It’s not that bad”, “It’s not always like this” etc. This is exactly what makes the abuser continue to abuse, justify your bad behavior by reminding his victim of other good times, even if your husband only abuses part of the time You deserve to be happy all the time, and your children always deserve a better family life.
- Be firm and clear: A bully can target those who do not have clear boundaries in their interactions, so use direct, firm language to set boundaries. By telling him in plain language what is bothering you, and if he continues to bully, be firm, for example tell him: “If you continue with this method, I will do such and such”, and if he does not listen, do the deed.
- Don’t be aggressive: Stay calm and don’t shout, make empty threats or respond abusively to your husband as this will only escalate the situation and create an endless cycle of abuse between you, so if you don’t deal with it in a sane and sensible way, how do you expect your husband to react? Instead, calmly talk to him about what’s bothering you, while being specific and firm.
- Don’t repeat the same mistake: Also, don’t resort to bullying to get back at your husband in an attempt to stop him.
- No reaction: When he is bullying you, he will be more than happy to see you upset and tense.
- Feel free to say: If his actions are unacceptable and his attitudes are hurtful and unworthy of him, try to convince him that this will affect your relationship and increase your differences and that you do not want to lose him to bullying.
- Don’t ignore this behavior: Once you bring the subject to his attention, keep an eye out to see if he changes and takes the subject more seriously, and always don’t ignore this behavior.