“Secret narcissist” is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Here are 5 of his most important signs | Lifestyle
Covert narcissists seem a bit depressed, victimized or even needy, but they are just as good at sneaking around and doing just as much damage as overt narcissists.
As soon as we hear the description of narcissism, we think of images of those who perpetuate a celebrity-obsessed culture on social media, over-posting selfies, or charismatic people who attract attention, manipulate and manipulate those they fall in love with.
But it did not occur to us that behind this obvious type of narcissism, which is more attractive and distinctive, there are some other types of hidden narcissism, although less known, but more dangerous.
If we think of the traditional narcissist as a “wolf in wolf’s clothing”, then a covert or hidden narcissist is a “wolf in lamb’s clothing”, says Dr Sarah Davies, psychologist and author of Never Again – for The Guardian. ) British; As she explains, the charming mask of narcissism that followed her for years proved to her that “the most secretive narcissist is the one who deeply attracts you, even when you think you are cautious and immune, you will find him slow and malicious,” considering that “a different, more silent and more accurate person is often the most confusing and capable of hurting.
Feeling insecure is a trigger
A new study conducted by the Department of Psychology at New York University “advances our understanding of narcissism,” says psychology professor Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Discovering the traits and differences in the narcissistic personality type, it has been shown that “the feeling of insecurity is the motive of narcissism, more than infatuation with the inflated self”, which is also confirmed by psychoanalyst Maxine Mi Fong Chong, saying that “the mask of a narcissist hides a deep sorrow”.
The study also found that narcissism branched into two types that share the same classic features, namely, “grand or overt” and “weak or covert.”
The first type seems grandiose, but it is clear and easy to see. He is represented by a traditional, brilliant, attractive, confident, charming and witty narcissist who lives an exciting life – at least on the outside – in a world of brilliance and sophistication in your love of intrigue, attention and admiration.
The problem is how to spot the other type, the covert narcissists, who seem a bit depressed, victimized or even needy. But they are as good at sneaking and doing damage as the first type and more, according to Durvasola.
Covert or vulnerable narcissists “tend to be more introverted than major narcissists, and they’re much more subtle, and their vindictiveness is laser-sharp, but they wear masks and seem likeable more often,” says psychotherapist Lorna Slade, who specializes in narcissistic abuse.
Not knowing about covert narcissists and delaying spotting them can be dangerous. “Learning to spot covert narcissism can be more difficult than overt narcissism and requires a high degree of awareness,” says Dr Davies.
As Dr. Durvasola notes, “You may be drawn to them, because you feel sorry for them, and it becomes very interesting to think that you want to save them.”
Covert or vulnerable narcissists deliberately hide their obsession with satisfying their own needs, using more subtle techniques of manipulation and control, which can be described as “narcissistic display”.
During this show, they show themselves to be kind, gentle and innocent, shy and introverted, attentive and very helpful, even “can be a shoulder to cry on”. But they do it with the aim of manipulating you, to be admired and thanked and to feel indebted. And in the end, “all this will be used against you in the future”, according to Davis, who warns that the role of “victim” will constrict you and force you to live in the role of “savior”, and advises everyone to arm themselves with as much information as possible in order to could identify covert narcissists before they get into a toxic relationship with them, because “you have to be aware or you can end up with an abusive partner.”
As for Lorna Slade, she says, “In my experience, I find that the covert type of narcissism is much more dangerous than the overt narcissism of the big ones,” not only because it’s hard to detect, but because the “narcissistic rage”—which they experience when they’re embarrassed – encourages them to take revenge in a terrible way.
But while we are extremely wary of them, “we must understand that narcissists have been exposed early on to the rejection of their true self, prompting them to create false selves that they wear in the form of a mask or shiny outer shell, and attack anyone who approaches them.”
5 signs of hidden narcissism
According to Davies, there are characteristics of a covert narcissist, “who is so good at being a charming, quiet intruder, armed with hidden weapons, drawn from his preoccupation with guilt, feigning generosity as a means of control and sympathy,” such as:
Mastering the role of victim
To demystify the toxic effect of covert narcissism on all of our lives, Durvasula says, “It’s really about manipulation, through victimization.”
Feeling the role of oppressed victim is essential to the covert narcissist, even if he has to self-harm in order to gain sympathy.
Unsuccessful problem solvers, once victimized, are completely convincing, in a way Lorna Slade describes as “the powerful omnipotence of a covert narcissistic ability to manipulate others.”
Hide focus on meeting specific needs
A covert narcissist will still hide their focus on satisfying their own needs, seeking status, controlling influence, ignoring others, feeling entitled, and lacking empathy, but in quieter and more covert ways.
They tell you how sensitive and introverted they are, which makes it all too easy to slip into the role of savior, supporting someone who seems so vulnerable, so quiet, and so beautiful.
Addiction to the feeling of fear
“They tend to rely on feelings of fear and guilt as a means of manipulation,” says Davies.
“A covert narcissist is constantly looking for opportunities for empowerment because they have special psychological needs, low self-esteem and an inevitability view of relationships,” says Lorna Slade.