Consequences for his present and risks for his future.. Never demand perfection from your child | Mirror
Parenting may not need more than giving children freedom as normal human beings who deserve love, but the fear that the world will become hostile and competitive is what drives parents to strive for perfection and ensure that their children succeed in every activity to ensure their chances success and happiness in life.
But “the pursuit of and attachment to perfection becomes more dangerous when practiced on children who naturally make mistakes as a means of learning, creativity and experience at this stage of their lives,” Indian-American author Rhea Chopra tells the Instillery website.
And this is happening at a time when idealistic and unrealistic standards rob them of the ability to explore and take risks and deprive them of a sense of wonder and joy.
Parents’ desire to guide and educate children and improve their skills for development and success remains natural unless it is transformed from an impulse to boost their self-confidence into impossible expectations placed on their young shoulders.
7 consequences of seeking perfection from our children
Amy Morin, psychotherapist and bestselling author of Brain Power, says, “Any parent who believes that perfectionism is a status symbol may not realize that perfectionism negatively affects children’s lives” and can have long-term consequences, leading to:
- Perfect children: They try to be the best at any cost because they grew up under the watchful eye of idealistic parents who inhibit their development and make them feel that they cannot achieve anything. They are told that there is no middle ground, either they excel or their performance is seen as a failure.
- They do not know satisfaction. High standards are a good and positive goal to set for children who enjoy challenges, the joy of achievement should be proportionate to their age and skills. But expecting perfection from an ordinary child can weaken his sense of self-confidence and affect his willingness to face a challenge because he feels that what he is doing is not good, “and makes him feel low in self-confidence and tends to focus on his mistakes and reduce his achievements, which prevents him from feeling satisfied.”
- Sensitive to mental risks: When children of perfectionist parents grow up and become adults, they may be more susceptible to depression, addiction and self-harm, as research shows that the pursuit of perfection is closely related to some mental illnesses such as obsessive-compulsive disorder and eating disorders.
- Perfectionists: Because it can often be contagious, idealistic parents can raise children who are obsessed with perfection, struggle for acceptance, refuse help to avoid appearing weak, and believe in the inevitability of standing out by meeting impossibly high standards. To be a reward for their parents.
- solidify: Because idealism in children can cause serious emotional, developmental and behavioral problems, and harsh treatment of any achievement that is deemed inconsistent with standards of perfection can leave them with a deep and continuing sense of failure and resentment, making them hard on themselves and they criticize each other mercilessly.
- They fear failure: Their fear prevents them from trying new things, and the anxiety of making mistakes prevents them from succeeding and causes them more stress that can harm their physical and mental health.
- Exchange successes: Children of perfectionist parents rarely feel proud. They work hard to be perfect and strive to gain the approval and love of their parents for their achievements. This may stem from a desire to gain attention and reduce parental stress.
7 steps to stop demanding perfection from your children
The psychotherapist advises to “stop looking for perfection in children, in order to avoid what could have a negative effect.” To achieve this, they must follow these steps:
- Circuit drawing test: When we grab paper and pencil to draw the perfect circle, we find ourselves trying again and again to succeed, before discovering that it’s too difficult. As we count the circles we have reasonably managed to draw, we will accept that good achievement may be the best we have and that perfection is impossible, and then we will give children a chance without demanding perfection.
- Allowing some of our flaws to show: Children discovering some of their parents’ mistakes gives them the confidence to learn from their mistakes and gives them good role models, rather than spending time trying to make them perfect. That is why parents should share with their children stories about parental failures, explain to them that they are not perfect, tell them about cases when they failed exams or got a job, and explain to them how they dealt with failure.
- Realizing that children have no experience: It is not fair to expect perfection from children who are growing and learning many things at once, and they need practice, not perfection. Just as parents may be new to the experience of parenting and have no experience from which they can benefit in practice, so children are new to the experience of childhood and lack the balance between experience and lessons learned. rely on.
- The family is not academic: High-achieving parents find it hard to let go of their idealism because they haven’t noticed that there are clear goals and objectives for measuring achievement in the workplace and in academia.
- Promotion of mental development: Avoid rigid and fixed thinking about the child’s talents, intelligence and personality, and focus on the growth opportunities and benefits of effort, development, perseverance and support through training children move from “I can’t, I’ll never succeed” to “I’ll try”.
- Watch your expectations: Make sure you don’t pressure your child to be perfect, praise their efforts rather than their results, help them recognize what they can and cannot control, and teach them self-compassion rather than self-flagellation.
- We love them because they are: Instead of associating our children’s worth with their achievements, it is better to convince them that we love them just because they are in our lives, not because of their achievements.